Just Photos!

I'm just posting a couple of photos so that I can use one of them as the photo in my profile. This is the way that the Blogger instructions say to do it and I'm not technically sophisticated enough to figure out another way!

This is my granddaughter Elliot (22 months at the time) and me September 9 in a restaurant in Port Angeles, WA. Elliot thought she was tickling my neck, and I was pretending to react in an exaggerated way. Elliot loved it! And so did I.

Whatever--and I mean it

When I wrote my second health update yesterday, I mentioned that I was still "hanging on to that 'whatever.' But it actually took writing it to make it true. In the past 3 days or so, I had gotten caught up in the frustration of feeling that my cardiologist was not taking my symptoms seriously, and I felt cast adrift. I started becoming anxious and focused on my problem.

However, yesterday when I wrote my second update, I remembered my previous experience that I had written about, where I had been utterly trusting God for my health situation. I remembered that I had known that God would be there in whatever the situation was, good or bad. And I realized that at the time I had thought of the situation in a sort of binary way: either the doctors would tell me I was fine, or they would tell me I had some specific problem and would get to work on solving it.

What I hadn't taken into account was a situation where I would still be having troublesome symptoms, but the doctors might seem indifferent. And when this situation came into being, I forgot about trusting God and started getting upset.

But when I wrote the second update yesterday, I remembered my "whatever". And then I remembered that God can handle this situation, too. That doesn't mean, now that I am handing the problem off to him again, that it will instantly be solved. But it does mean that I can fret less and remember who is holding me in his arms.

I saw a series of cartoon drawings yesterday where a bunch of people were carrying crosses, and one of them kept asking God to make it lighter for him to carry, so God kept chopping a bit of the end of this guy's cross off. But eventually they all came to a chasm that they had to cross, and everyone else was able to get across by making their crosses into bridges, but this guy couldn't because his cross was too short now. So maybe there is some way in which an instant solution to my problem would not be helpful to me at this time. Or maybe it will be solved soon. I don't know--but I do know that God is trustworthy.

Update #2

I realized I need to do a second update. This is feeling really narcissistic, however.

I'm not recovering as expected after getting the pacemaker. I'm extremely winded after doing just about anything. For example, I walk up a flight of stairs, and I'm so out of breath that I have to grab whatever is nearest and lean on it while I get my breath back. I've been back to the cardiologist, and they're baffled; the pacemaker is working properly and it should have solved this. They have done tests and there is nothing they can see wrong with me.

So if anyone is so inclined, I would appreciate prayer that this would get figured out. It's causing too much anxiety to my husband and parents, for one thing.

But I'm still hanging on to that "whatever." God is in this, and his ways are not my ways.

Update

This is just a quick health update on me, for those who are wondering since my last post. I had worsening symptoms (for example, extreme fatigue after walking up a flight of stairs, or getting out of breath just from walking from one room to another), and so I went in to the cardiologist on Wednesday August 22. A new EKG revealed that I had something called 2nd degree heart block--although my atrium (top half of heart) was beating at 98, my ventricle (bottom half of heart) was only beating at 50. This had not shown up on previous EKGs--apparently it comes and goes, and also it was getting worse.

The solution for that is a pacemaker, and they wanted to get it in as soon as possible, since the condition seemed to be worsening. So two days later, on Friday August 24, I checked into the hospital and got a pacemaker! It was more complicated than for most people because I had had a chemo port previously, and it had left scarring on the veins they would normally use. So I've got a bit more bruising and tenderness than usual, and I'm taking more pain medication than usual, which is leaving me a bit more sleepy and lightheaded than I had expected to be at this point. But I should be back to normal before long.

Mostly I'm still amazed at God's goodness: it's wonderful that there are such things as pacemakers, that I could get one so quickly, and that I had such good doctors and nurses taking care of me, not to mention my loving family and friends.

Thanks to all who have prayed for me! I'd love to hear about ways that I could pray for you!

Whatever

Today I was on the floor again.

Syncopal episode is the term that the doctor uses for it. I just say "I fainted." It happened on Saturday evening when I was exercising, and it happened again today after I walked up some stairs at work and sat down at my desk. Today, once again, I found myself wondering why I had lost control of my thoughts, and then I realized that I was actually down on the floor, waking up.

After the first time, I had gone to see the doctor. That was yesterday, and she had ordered an EKG. When the EKG was done, the nurse looked at the results and said, "It's abnormal, but I don't know what it means." Then she left the room.

A year and a half ago, I was going through breast cancer treatment. Now with the nurse's announcement of an abnormal EKG, it looked like maybe I was going to have another health issue. So I decided it would be a good time to pray.

"Dear God," I started, and then paused, and then the thing that seemed right to me to say as I continued was: "whatever!" And what I meant by that was, "whatever the outcome of this is, whether I have heart problems, or something else, or nothing at all, it's in your hands, God, and I'm OK with that. I don't actually need to ask you for an outcome of any kind, because I trust you with anything. I'll just wait and see what happens and try to be your witness to the people I encounter in whatever the situation is." And although I only used the one word, "whatever", I think God knew what I meant.

The reason I was able to pray this prayer, instead of asking God to keep me from illness or harm, was because of the cancer I had just gone through. He had been with me in a strong and loving way throughout that time, and had shown me in many ways how much he cared for me (see http://takingthering.blogspot.com/2007/05/how-god-started-my-cancer-journey_15.html and http://takingthering.blogspot.com/2007/04/dogs-attitude.html). Because I knew this, I had suddenly realized, when I started to pray, that I had no fear of any new illness.

The doctor then came in and told me that the EKG looked identical to the one I had two years earlier, so it wasn't really abnormal after all. However, she wanted me to see a cardiologist. And I was actually in the process of making that appointment when I fainted again today. And Microsoft Security came, and the paramedics came, and off I eventually went to the ER!

Now I'm sitting in a hospital room, admitted for observation and tests, and I still feel the way I felt when I prayed yesterday: I am not afraid. A new illness might even be a new adventure in learning more about the depth of God's love. For what can separate us from the love of Christ? Certainly not illness. "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39).

No, I still say, "Dear God--whatever! I'm with you, and that's all that matters."

Seeing with God's Eyes

Last week my husband and I both underwent a routine medical screening test that involved our eating a restricted diet for 5 days. (We did it at the same time so as to minimize the meal-planning inconvenience.) We both found the restricted diet very annoying: we could still eat full meals, but we couldn't always have everything that we liked, and we had to postpone our regular Friday night pizza because we couldn't have some of the ingredients. Can you think of anything much worse than that? (Sarcasm intended.)

When we were done, during my nightly prayer time, I thanked God that it was over, even though I knew that was a pretty trivial thing to be thankful for. And then God spoke back to me and made me realize what I should REALLY be thankful for. When I say he spoke back, I don't mean I heard a voice or anything like that. But it was like our senior pastor Scott Dudley describes it: thoughts that are like our own thoughts but yet are not our thoughts. That's what came to me. And here's what God reminded me of.

Instead of thanking God that I didn't have to be on the annoying restricted diet any more, there were other things that I needed to thank him for, and for which I truly am grateful. First, I live in a country where there is such great medical care, that I have screening tests available to me so that I can prevent dangerous illnesses such as various types of cancer. If I lived, say, in the Congo, I might not be able to have a test like this and would run more risk of serious disease. Second, I have plenty of food to eat; I am not in danger of starving, as are so many of the world's poor people. Third, I have such a diverse selection of food at my disposal, that I can vary my diet if I need to restrict it, and when I'm done with the restricted diet, I can go back to eating food that I enjoy. Many people around the world have to eat whatever they can get. I get to choose what tastes good to me. And last, the screening test had a good result; I'm not at risk at this time.

It really put the whole thing in perspective for me. When I looked at it with God's eyes, I saw that what had been annoying to me was actually a blessing, and that there were other blessings that I had failed to notice. It showed me that praying is something I need to do more often, if only to ask God throughout the day to help me to see with his eyes. And when I see with his eyes, the result that I want going forward is that it will lead me to act in ways that accord with his will, including doing more to help those who do not have the food and medical care that I have.

How God Reminded Me He Would Be With Me

May 15 is an anniversary for me. On May 15 a year ago, I had my last treatment for breast cancer. Remembering this made me think that I would like to tell about how my cancer experience began.

In the summer of 2005 I happened to mention to my daughter that my inner elbows ached whenever I exercised or took my migraine prescription, and she urged me to tell my doctor. This led to an EKG, which looked pretty good, but still my doctor wanted me to see a cardiologist. Meanwhile, I was called back from my routine yearly mammogram because they had spotted something suspicious.

So, I went through two series of escalating tests: stress EKG and electron beam tomography; and second mammogram and ultrasound. Finally a weekend came in September 2005 where, on the Friday, I had a needle biopsy on the lump that had been found. Then, on the Monday, I was scheduled for an angiogram (cardiac catheterization) for my heart.

The cardiologist had told me that there was a slight risk of death associated with the angiogram. Normally I have no fear of death, ever since, at the age of 20, I first read The Last Battle in the Narnia series. What could be better than to go on to a place more beautiful than the most beautiful place on earth, and be with God? But the upcoming angiogram spooked me for some reason. Perhaps it was because our first grandchild was due to be born in November, and I didn't want to miss knowing her. At any rate, I was nervous. The night before, we went over to Seattle (we live in a suburb across Lake Washington). As we crossed the floating bridge, I remember looking at one of my favorite sights, the lights on the other floating bridge, strung across the lake like a mile-long strand of jewels, and thinking that I might never see them again.

The next morning the angiogram went smoothly, and the cardiologist found that my heart was perfectly healthy (so my arm aches are just a mystery). Afterwards as I was recovering from the sedatives they had given me, I discovered that the two nurses who were caring for me were Christians, and that each of them sang in their church choirs, just like I do. I thought that this was an amazing coincidence, because there are not many Christians in the Seattle area. It then hit me that God was telling me something. He was actually saying to me, "You were scared of this angiogram, but you had forgotten how in control I am. I am so in control that I can arrange, in an area and in a time when there are very few Christians, that not just one but both of your nurses will be choir-singing Christians."

Then I went home to recover further from the angiogram, and about two hours later, my doctor called to tell me that I had breast cancer.

Although at first I was a bit overwhelmed by the news, it was not long before I remembered the message God had given me that morning. The striking thing about it was God's timing. He had let me know that he cared about me and was in control BEFORE I got my cancer diagnosis. I still didn't know if everything would be fine or not; I still knew that I could die of this cancer. But I did know the most important thing of all, and that was that God was with me in the midst of it. That set the tone for how I experienced the whole following 8 months of cancer treatments.

As it turned out, the surgery that I had removed all the cancer I had at the time, and with chemo, radiation, and hormonal therapy, I have an 85-90% chance of being cancer-free in 10 years. So I have been blessed in the outcome. But even had it not been so, if I had only a slim chance of survival, I would still be able to go forward confidently, because God has assured me that he is with me and loves me. And I really didn't need a special message from God to tell me that. He has told us that throughout the Bible. He has told us that in the person of his son Jesus. I just hadn't remembered that very well before my angiogram. Since God was kind enough to give me a little extra help to keep it in mind, I want to share it with everyone else. There's nothing so bad or scary that God can't be with us in it and bring joy to us in the midst of fear and pain. That was certainly my experience with God in the midst of cancer.